?Wait, what? He?s my boyfriend?? I said, more than a little shocked.
?Well, yeeeeah,? said K.
The moment when I realized I had a boyfriend and didn?t even know it was probably when I fully understood the complications of cross-cultural dating.
So, as a little Valentine?s Day entry, I thought I?d share what I see as the big differences between relationships ? la fran?ais and ? l?am?ricain. Not that I am in any way an expert (I mean, honestly, dating in your own culture is hard enough.)
In the USA, I think we put a lot of effort in defining the relationship. I have always gone by the rule that you are not allowed to call someone your boyfriend (or girlfriend) until you talk about it. As relationships evolve organically and not mathematically AND we are not all good communicators in this world, a lot of Americans end up defining their relationship as ?um, it?s complicated.?
In France, there isn?t really the same stress about definitions. Relationships move fluidly. One of my friends told me that the only time you bother to stop and define what you are is if you are conciously cultivating something with no romantic attachment. Otherwise, after you?ve seen someone a few times (or in some cases, after a really good first date), they become your ?copain? or your ?copine.?? Nine years later, if you are still dating that same person, they are still your ?copain? or ?copine.?
In the US, we tend to make a distinction. People in my sister?s age group start with ?talking? with someone (basically consistent flirting and playing with the idea of a relationship.) Then, you ?date? or ?see? someone in a more serious-than-talking-but-still-casual way. Only when it becomes serious does that person becomes your ?boyfriend? or ?girlfriend.?
So you can imagine how shocked I was to learn I had a boyfriend. My American friends were right there with me.
?I think I need to break up with him,? I confided in a friend over Skype.
?Wait, what?? she said. ?Break up? When did you start dating??
Good question.
In the end, I can see advantages in both systems. I like it that the French definition is so liberal: in that way, you don?t have to display how serious or casual your relationship is to everyone who asks. It is more natural, fluid and relaxed, which is good because no relationship is the same. You can?t fit it into a certain box and it is unfair to label something in a way that has preconceived notions attached.
That said, being a girl who was raised in the Midwest, I think I kind of need that definition that I grew up with.
If for no other reason, to know what to write to friends back home.
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Source: http://afkcspecialcorrespondent.wordpress.com/2012/02/15/cross-cultural-dating-yikes/
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